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FUN STUFF--Jokes and interesting things that come along the internet from time to time:
The link below opens with a picture
of earth from 10 million light years
away and zooms in at a factor of
ten, and another ten, and another ten,
> > > > Fwd: Actual analogies and metaphors from American High School Essays
> > > > Her face was
perfect oval, like a circle that had
its two other sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
> > > >His thoughts
tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling
> > > > He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience,
like a Guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without
one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country
speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse
without one of those boxes with a
pinhole in it.
> > > > She grew on him
like she was a colony of E. coli and
room temperature Canadian beef.
> > > > She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.
> > > > Her vocabulary
was as bad as, like, whatever.
> > > > He was as tall
as a six foot three inch tree.
> > > > The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a
surcharge at a formerly surcharge
> > > > The little boat
gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.
> > > > McBride fell 12
stories, hitting the pavement like a
Hefty bag filled with vegetable
> > > > From the attic
came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on
vacation in another city and Jeopardy
comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of
> > > > Her hair
glistened in the rain like nose hair after
> > > > Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across
the grassy field toward each other
like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m.
at a speed of 35 mph.
> > > > They lived in a
typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
> > > > John and Mary
had never met. They were like two
hummingbirds who had also never met.
> > >He fell for her like
his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
> > > > Even in his last
years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one
that had been left out so
long, it had rusted shut.
> > > > Shots rang out,
as shots are wont to do.
> > > > The plan was
simple, like my brother in law Phil.
But unlike Phil, this plan just
> > > > The young
fighter had a hungry look, the kind you
get from not eating for a while.
> > > > "Oh, Jason,
take me!" she panted, her breasts
heaving like a college
freshman on $1 a beer night.
> > > > He was as lame
as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame
duck, either, but a real duck that
was actually lame. Maybe from
stepping on a land mine or
> > > > The knife was as
sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee
(D Tex.) in her first several points
of parliamentary procedure made to
Rep. Henry Hyde (R Ill.) in the
House Judiciary Committee hearings on the
impeachment of President William
> > > > The ballerina
rose gracefully en pointe and extended
one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
> > > > It was an
American tradition, like fathers chasing
kids around with power tools.
> > > > He was deeply in
love. When she spoke, he thought he
heard bells, as if she were a
garbage truck backing up.
> > > > She was as easy
as the TV Guide crossword.
> > > > Her eyes were
like limpid pools, only they had
forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
> > > > She walked into
my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
> > > > Her voice had
that tense, grating quality, like a
generation thermal paper fax machine
that needed a band tightened.
> > > > It hurt the way
your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to
> > > > The hailstones
leaped from the pavement, just like
maggots when you fry them in hot
Th th th that's all folks.
I went to a car auction today. While I was there they also auctioned off this big disc that you pull behind a tractor and it plows up fields. It reminded me of my friend Roger Mertz.
Every year Roger planted this big garden on the lot beside his house. It was a big job tilling and planting and tending and harvesting. But the fresh tomatoes and vegetables were delicious, much better than you could buy at the store. It was spring and time to til up his garden. Roger was not looking forward to this chore because it was an all day job walking behind his little tiller and listening to the noise and feeling the vibration to say nothing about the hot Texas sun beating down on his head. Just before he got started Roger looked down the road and here came a big 4 wheel drive tractor pulling one of those huge discs, the kind they use to plow large fields. Roger waved the farmer down and asked how much to plow his garden. The farmer took one look and said 20 dollars. He backed his big disc up to the back of the lot and let it down. It was so heavy it sank 6 inches into the soil. He revved up the tractor and made one pass back out to the road and picked up his disc. Roger handed him a 20 dollar bill and sat down in the shade and drank beer all day long. His work was done for that day.--------- True story, if I'm lying, I'm dying.